Conversation With a fReAk
March 3, 2006

The following is a conversation I had on X-Fire (this is a communication tool much like AOL Instant Messenger --- only made for online gamers in particular) with a dear friend and brother in Christ that I spend time with in BHC.  I love this dude!  On this particular night, Jeff had me in tears at my keyboard with his words.  Now, I have gotten his permission to use the words of our conversation with one stipulation --- and that one stipulation is that I make it abundantly clear to whomever may read this that Jeff was simply used by the God of this universe, the Creator of all that is seen and unseen, to minister to me on this night.  So let it be known!

When I first thought of using this, I thought I might "clean it up" a bit.  What I mean by this is simply that conversations on instant messaging programs can seem a little broken up and disjointed.  This conversation will be no different.  If you are not used to reading or participating in these types of conversations, it is a little dizzying at first.  Trust me though --- you will get into a rhythm as you read this and you will be totally captured by the power of the ministry of this 65 minutes of my life.  I only cut out a bit of conversation at the very beginning and end of the time we spent together.  Praise be to God for my friend Jeff on this particular night.

Ultimately, I decided to leave it as is and only to clean up a little (very little) of the spelling.  As you read this you will notice many of the "shortcuts" familiar to online IM conversations (LOL, u, non-capitalization, etc).  You will also recognize the "brokenness" of this one particular "co-heir to the throne" as I was grappling with a painful experience I had just prior to this conversation.  Oh, and I did ultimately end up telling my daughter that I was sorry and that I loved her very much!  Enjoy!

Conversation started between BHC CrossTrain and fReAk: Fri, Mar 03 2006 20:52:04
[20:52] fReAk: <S>
[20:52] BHC CrossTrain: <S>
[20:58] fReAk: a fav verse of mine
[20:58] BHC CrossTrain: Which is?
[20:58] fReAk: Job 31:1
[20:59] BHC CrossTrain: Which says what?
[20:59] fReAk: I have made a covenant with my own eyes to not lust after a virgin
[20:59] BHC CrossTrain: Wow.
[21:00] fReAk: yea i fail it daily brother
[21:00] fReAk: but it's still my verse
[21:00] BHC CrossTrain: I was gonna say.  I struggle a bit with that one myself which brings me to my favorite passage of scripture
[21:00] fReAk: share
[21:01] BHC CrossTrain: Oh, and by "a bit" I mean a LOT!
[21:01] BHC CrossTrain: Romans 7:14-25.
[21:01] BHC CrossTrain: Pauls struggle against his own sinful nature
[21:01] fReAk: up for interpretation but i agree
[21:02] BHC CrossTrain: Those verses were SO key to me when I was seeking out God because I had always thought that "perfection" was the requirement to come to God --- at least that's the idea I got from the many "Christians" I had met.  :o(
[21:03] fReAk: you familiar w/ Martin Luther?
[21:04] BHC CrossTrain: True, I have heard a couple of possible interpretations of those verses but there are many others in the Bible that say essentially the same thing and that is that once we are saved it is not automatic deliverance from ever having to struggle against our sin nature again.
[21:04] BHC CrossTrain: Yes, a bit anyways
[21:04] fReAk: have you read much of Luther?
[21:05] fReAk: he was a Dr. of theology
[21:05] BHC CrossTrain: No.  Just some about him
[21:05] fReAk: in the Catholic church
[21:05] BHC CrossTrain: I knew that
[21:05] fReAk: the reason the Reformation happened was because
[21:05] fReAk: with all of his known traditions and rituals, he still felt utterly ashamed
[21:06] fReAk: because he felt he was a despicable sinner
[21:06] BHC CrossTrain: Yes.  I know this so far.
[21:06] fReAk: so he read Romans 1
[21:07] fReAk: and made a critical greek translation
[21:07] BHC CrossTrain: Romans 1 is awesome
[21:07] BHC CrossTrain: Of course I love the entire book
[21:07] fReAk: being instead of a righteous of God - a righteousness FROM god
[21:07] fReAk: that saved him
[21:07] BHC CrossTrain: AMEN
[21:08] fReAk: because the gospel is about an unfair transaction
[21:08] fReAk: our sin traded for his righteousness
[21:08] BHC CrossTrain: Agreed.  Preach it!
[21:09] fReAk: so for you and me
[21:09] BHC CrossTrain: But yet, we are not still free from the desires of the flesh correct?
[21:09] BHC CrossTrain: If we are supposed to be then I'm in deep weeds!
[21:09] BHC CrossTrain: Here's me:
[21:09] fReAk: of course not
[21:09] BHC CrossTrain: Galatians 5:17 (NLT) - The old sinful nature loves to do evil, which is just opposite from what the Holy Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are opposite from what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, and your choices are never free from this conflict.
[21:10] BHC CrossTrain: That is ME to a TTTTTTT
[21:10] fReAk: understand the Corinthians
[21:10] fReAk: we are a new creation
[21:10] BHC CrossTrain: Yes
[21:10] fReAk: not gentile , not jew
[21:10] fReAk: a new human
[21:10] fReAk: different
[21:10] fReAk: but still, Paul says we are 'being saved"
[21:10] fReAk: thus we are already co-heirs w/ Christ
[21:11] BHC CrossTrain: AMEN
[21:11] fReAk: which means everything Christ is we are, and everything he has , we have
[21:11] fReAk: but that's positional
[21:11] fReAk: in experience we are getting there
[21:11] BHC CrossTrain: Yes I know.  Amazing.  Truly beyond my capacity to even get a little of it
[21:11] fReAk: and are in process of destroying the flesh
[21:12] fReAk: so step back a sec
[21:12] BHC CrossTrain: It's not happening quick enough for me I feel like sometimes.
[21:12] fReAk: the important thing is you realize that even though you disappoint yourself
[21:12] BHC CrossTrain: But a wise man told me once to look back at where you WERE, not forward to where you are going!
[21:12] fReAk: you CANNOT disappoint God
[21:13] fReAk: that’s not altogether wise
[21:13] fReAk: for the Scripture says that we press on toward the goal
[21:13] fReAk: you cannot finish a race looking back
[21:13] BHC CrossTrain: I just understood the way he framed it so I can see where you might say it was unwise, but that's is not what he was saying
[21:14] fReAk: ok
[21:14] fReAk: the issue is identity in Christ
[21:14] fReAk: know that you are a beacon of holy light here
[21:14] fReAk: the Scripture states it, now go and act like it
[21:14] BHC CrossTrain: Yeah, Jeff, but I truly struggle against myself and I am easily (getting stronger in this but still) deceived by Satan into believing that I don't really love God because of what I just said, thought, did, whatever.
[21:15] fReAk: of course
[21:15] fReAk: the enemy is strong
[21:15] fReAk: but still overcome able
[21:15] BHC CrossTrain: This person was saying to look back at what you were and you will NOT be discouraged and you WILL SEE the work of God in your life
[21:15] fReAk: remember it's a process
[21:15] fReAk: but if you believe you're a regular human, you are sunk
[21:16] fReAk: you're a superhuman
[21:16] BHC CrossTrain: Oh my.
[21:16] fReAk: co-heir w/ God the Son my friend
[21:16] fReAk: breathe that in
[21:16] BHC CrossTrain: I know you are right but it is so easy when you are so young in Christ, as I am, to be deceived.  I am SO young
[21:17] fReAk: you're not as much as you think
[21:17] fReAk: God has reconciled your life's wisdom to your new faith
[21:18] BHC CrossTrain: Here's the way I define myself to people when I talk to them about this.  I tell them that in a spiritual sense I am walking around as a toddler wearing pull-ups.  But every once in a while I mess myself completely and my Daddy has to step in and clean me up.
[21:18] fReAk: there's a balance between humility and knowing who you are
[21:18] fReAk: i'll give you an example if i may
[21:19] BHC CrossTrain: NOW, I know that that is an incomplete picture and slightly off track but it gets the point across that I am a work in progress.
[21:19] BHC CrossTrain: Please do.
[21:19] fReAk: pretend i'm Jeff Gates, standing to inherit all of Bill's fortune
[21:19] BHC CrossTrain: Okay
[21:20] fReAk: now i might be really immature at 10 yrs old
[21:20] fReAk: might say dumb things
[21:20] fReAk: and at 20 act really unbecoming of Mr. Gates
[21:20] fReAk: but the fact remains, i'm a Gate
[21:21] fReAk: and i will inherit his estate
[21:21] BHC CrossTrain: Have I told you lately that I love you?
[21:21] fReAk: nothing i do will ever diminish it
[21:21] BHC CrossTrain: Man I need to hear that so badly
[21:21] fReAk: lol ok ok
[21:21] BHC CrossTrain: You cannot know
[21:21] fReAk: look, you are a God-heir
[21:22] fReAk: nothing you can do can disqualify you
[21:22] BHC CrossTrain: I literally have tears in my eyes because in my spirit I KNOW you are right.  It is just SO hard to grab onto and hold onto.
[21:22] fReAk: now, Mr. Gates will be up to the task of beating my ass to be like him
[21:22] BHC CrossTrain: LOL
[21:23] fReAk: but that's Hebrews my friend, God disciplines him who he loves
[21:23] fReAk: so when the fit hits the shan, know He's lovin on ya
[21:23] fReAk: cause he makes perfect models
[21:23] BHC CrossTrain: I am always so remorseful at hurting Him.  At disappointing Him.  It tears me apart
[21:24] fReAk: 1 john is your book friend
[21:24] fReAk: the book of assurance
[21:24] fReAk: the fact that you recognize your faults communicates your divinity
[21:26] BHC CrossTrain: I could have killed my 17-year old daughter tonight at dinner.  I raised my voice in a way that I hate.  I gave into anger.  Now I sit here and wonder what kind of picture of a Godly father I am to her.  Am I doing more harm to God's Kingdom when I act like that?  And trust me she deserved to have her head ripped off with the disrespect she showed her mother, but it STILL does not give me the right to lash out.  I did...
[21:26] fReAk: you are learning new senses you never had before friend
[21:26] fReAk: be easy on yourself
[21:26] fReAk: ever seen the matrix?
[21:26] BHC CrossTrain: God doesn't deserve to have an "ambassador" like me.  He deserves much more.
[21:27] fReAk: he doesn't need any of us thank you
[21:27] fReAk: he chooses whom he will
[21:27] BHC CrossTrain: I know.  But I love Him and I hate when I act like my natural self is
[21:27] fReAk: and he chose you sir
[21:28] fReAk: well remember this, salvation is a process and there's only one common thread in all of Scripture
[21:28] BHC CrossTrain: Sorry, I'm a bit of a basket case tonight.  I was just telling my wife that my heart must be getting cold because I hardly felt remorseful at all, yet here I sit crying like a baby.
[21:29] fReAk: well you're much farther along in ur walk than i am , if that comforts you
[21:29] BHC CrossTrain: Doubtful my friend.
[21:29] fReAk: not so
[21:29] fReAk: i have struggles you'd be amazed
[21:29] BHC CrossTrain: Sorry, I literally have snot running onto my keyboard.  Not sure I'll be able to play tonight. LOL
[21:30] fReAk: alright DS, let's pull this together
[21:30] BHC CrossTrain: Sorry, you're supposed to be the student here huh?
[21:30] fReAk: the common thread of Scripture has always been one thing
[21:30] fReAk: what is it?
[21:30] fReAk: I am a teacher by nature, sorry
[21:31] BHC CrossTrain: I don't know.  God loves us in ways we can't ever imagine.
[21:31] fReAk: let me be more specific
[21:31] BHC CrossTrain: Please
[21:31] fReAk: what is the one way that man is able to please God throughout Scripture?
[21:32] BHC CrossTrain: Believe
[21:32] fReAk: we have a winner
[21:32] fReAk: u got it
[21:32] fReAk: faith is the ONLY way to God
[21:32] fReAk: has been since Abraham
[21:32] fReAk: hence the Rom 4 argument
[21:33] BHC CrossTrain: Yes.  I know
[21:33] fReAk: so, back to your self-criticism
[21:33] BHC CrossTrain: I just need to hear it from someone other than myself occasionally.  I tell SO MANY people this exact same thing!  But for some reason I think God holds me to something more
[21:33] fReAk: that's only a sign of health to me
[21:34] fReAk: WhAT?
[21:34] fReAk: do NOT disrespect my Jesus sir
[21:34] BHC CrossTrain: John Eldridge says that very same thing in Chapter 9 of "Wild at Heart"
[21:34] fReAk: He can do fine on his own
[21:35] BHC CrossTrain: I know that Jeff (about He doesn't need my help)
[21:35] fReAk: Jesus covered you 100% dave, no remainder sum
[21:35] fReAk: past, present, future
[21:35] BHC CrossTrain: Chapter 9 of that book was an incredible revelation to me in my self-critical nature
[21:35] fReAk: glad it ministered to you
[21:35] fReAk: it took a marriage counselor to reach me
[21:37] fReAk: another analogy
[21:37] fReAk: if u will allow
[21:38] BHC CrossTrain: But in that chapter, he said the one thing that I need so badly to hear.  It is EXACTLY what you are saying to me now.  That is this: The very fact that I sometimes wonder if I really love God because of my disobedience is a PROOF of the spirit of God that is living inside of me!  I never thought those things 6 years ago!  NEVER!"
[21:38] fReAk: of course
[21:38] fReAk: have you read 1 John?
[21:38] BHC CrossTrain: Yeah, actually just finished it a few weeks ago
[21:39] fReAk: it's the assurance book of the believer
[21:39] fReAk: it's a special book to me because I’m partial to the one Jesus loved
[21:39] fReAk: and i translated it from Greek hehe
[21:39] BHC CrossTrain: Really?  That's awesome
[21:39] fReAk: read it again, chapter by chapter , slowly
[21:40] BHC CrossTrain: I am going to.  You can count on it
[21:40] BHC CrossTrain: I've got it open right now actually
[21:40] BHC CrossTrain: BUT, I will do it later as well.
[21:40] fReAk: it says this my brother
[21:41] fReAk: the believer is UNABLE to sin
[21:41] fReAk: now you might chuckle at that
[21:41] fReAk: but the greek there means
[21:41] BHC CrossTrain: That wasn't a chuckle, I was choking.
[21:41] fReAk: continuously practice sin without notice
[21:42] fReAk: in other words, the believer cannot willingly continuously practice sin
[21:42] fReAk: why not? because he/she doesn’t want to
[21:42] fReAk: why not? because he/she's a child of the King and perfect and blameless in spirit
[21:43] fReAk: your spirit has one desire now
[21:43] fReAk: to worship Christ and please him and it's in conflict w/ your flesh
[21:43] fReAk: which is dead
[21:43] BHC CrossTrain: Wow.  Can I take you to Bible study with me?
[21:43] BHC CrossTrain: LOL
[21:44] fReAk: my goal is education my brother, that’s why i'm here
[21:44] fReAk: but do not for a minute think
[21:44] fReAk: that i do not struggle w/ the  most heinous of sins
[21:44] fReAk: b/c i do
[21:45] fReAk: and the enemy is after me
[21:45] fReAk: every day of my life
[21:45] BHC CrossTrain: Well, tonight you have offered me not only education but something even more valuable and rare --- that is ENCOURAGEMENT my friend and brother
[21:45] fReAk: then praise the Lord because you should know it is from him
[21:45] fReAk: and from Him alone
[21:46] BHC CrossTrain: Me too.  It makes me sometimes want to shrink away from God and be less conspicuous in my family, work and community but I know that that is exactly the hope and the desire of the enemy.  So I WILL NOT give in.
[21:47] BHC CrossTrain: I do.
[21:47] BHC CrossTrain: The good news too is that the snot has stopped and my keyboard should probably recover in time to play.  LOL
[21:47] fReAk: lol
[21:48] fReAk: well to shrink away from God is the normal human response via Gen 3
[21:48] fReAk: call me a shrinker
[21:48] fReAk: cause i hate going to God w/ my junk
[21:48] BHC CrossTrain: You truly have been a HUGE encouragement and blessing to me here in the past 30-45 minutes.  I thank you so much.
[21:49] BHC CrossTrain: Oh my yes.  I hate it too.
[21:49] fReAk: yet it's exactly what He wants
[21:49] fReAk: a great preacher told me , all God wants is your sin
[21:49] fReAk: give it to Him
[21:50] BHC CrossTrain: Wow.  That's got some depth to it indeed
[21:50] fReAk: another great pastor told me , if you think/talk about God enough, sin will take care of itself
[21:51] BHC CrossTrain: Hmmm.
[21:51] fReAk: so make sure during this blessed Lent season that you're contemplating His sufferings and death
[21:51] fReAk: and you'll find your priorities and thinkings shifting
[21:52] BHC CrossTrain: I will
[21:56] BHC CrossTrain: <S>
[21:57] fReAk: <S> D.S.
Conversation ended: Fri, Mar  03 2006 21:57:27